kmktr: (Sniffle)
[personal profile] kmktr
He died this morning, at about 12:20, in my arms. It was not a good day for him, and I would give anything to wind time back and be more forceful with the vet on Friday. I suspected Gus wasn't doing too well, and wanted him to stay at the vet's over the weekend (on an i.v. drip since he wasn't eating) but the vet said to take him home -- he was sure Gus would eat.

I would have much prefered to get a call tomorrow, telling me that Gus wasn't doing well (he would have had three days of nutrition I wasn't able to coax into him, so he'd still be alive -- and under the closer, longer observation of the vet, I think Dr. Dan would have a truer idea of Gus' condition) and that now was the time to be kind and let him go gently. It would have been better on Gus, and better on me, too.

As you can expect, I've been a wreck for the past hour -- well more than the wreck I've been all weekend. If I sleep tonight, it's because I cried myself there.

It's all too new for me to process. Gus has been a part of my life for the past seventeen years, and I don't even want to think about coming home to this house knowing that he's not here. I'd love to write a tribute for him, but, it's going to be a while. Right now, I have to somehow figure out how to work around this gaping void where my heart used to be.

Dear, sweet Gussie, please, rest in peace. Just like your predecessor, whose name, in part, you bore, you were a most excellent cat. I'm going to miss you.

Date: 2007-06-18 06:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cherry-snows.livejournal.com
Omg, Kitt I'm so sorry! *big hugs*

If you need ANYTHING, let me know..seriously.

Poor Gus isn't feeling anymore pain so that should be a teeny comfort. You have been a great mommy to him.

Date: 2007-06-18 06:27 am (UTC)
ext_86390: (blind tulips)
From: [identity profile] queenpasiphae.livejournal.com
*hugs* I'm so sorry about Gus! ;_; Though it isn't much consolation, at least he had seventeen years in a loving home.

Date: 2007-06-18 06:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tex-chan.livejournal.com
*hugs*

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I didn't feel comfortable leaving a lengthy and emotional reply in here, so I sent an email to you. I hope you get it and, maybe, have the desire to read it one day.

I know how I felt after Tex's death. I did not want to do anything or talk to anyone. Really, I still feel like that, which is why I have not been around much. Anyhow, even if you don't feel up to checking for emails or whatever, I at least wanted to leave a reply here to let you know I care, and that I am thinking about you, and that I am sorry.

I wish I had better words to leave here. I'm just so, so sorry.

*hugs*

Date: 2007-06-18 09:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tweedlekeys.livejournal.com
*hugs* My thoughts go out to you.

Date: 2007-06-18 10:30 am (UTC)
ext_38010: (Default)
From: [identity profile] summer-queen.livejournal.com
*hugs*

So very sorry to hear Gus is gone. I'll miss seeing him when I come to visit. I know it will probably be a while before you want company, but when you do, let me know and I can come up there -- or you're welcome to come here and we can do something to distract ourselves.

*hugs again*

Date: 2007-06-18 11:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aditou.livejournal.com
I'm really sorry. That must be tough...

Date: 2007-06-18 12:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mom22weewuns.livejournal.com
Words cannot express how sorry I am. I wish I could be there with you to give you a hug. When your brother told me about your conversation last night, my heart just broke for you. If there is anything in the world that we can do, please just let us know. I loved our fuzz buddy. I'm going to miss him.

Date: 2007-06-18 02:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daimeryan-rei.livejournal.com
Oh honey, I know exactly how you feel. I was very thankful though, that Dylan died in my arms - not that he died, but that he was in my arms. Being there is the most important thing for your pet, and it's very comfortable to know that you were with him. Please don't doubt yourself in your decisions concerning the vet and such; things happen as they happen, and the knowledge that you gave Gus a good life and that you were with him in his final moments is something you have to hold on to. It's not easy losing a pet; take all the time for your own emotions and to heal. It took me at least half a year before even looking at another cat, and I still have Dylan's picture on my dresser.

Date: 2007-06-18 05:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kmktr.livejournal.com
It turns out Gus' blood results were pretty bad. Obviously, despite our best efforts, the kidney disease gained a hold and took him away from me.

I took Gus to the vets' (when my first cat, Ceasar, died at 22 years of age, we took him to the Humane Society. They were anything but 'humane' with how they treated our feelings, telling us brusquely that they would dispose of 'it' properly as soon as they weren't busy) and had a few minutes to speak with his vet. Of course he expressed how sorry he was and we chatted a bit (with me weeping most of the time) and he let me know that in his case, with the four cats he's had die, three of them he put down as a vet, and one died in his arms at home. It's easier on him with the last one, since he doesn't have the doubts about 'what if I gave him one more day?' He thinks, that if Gus had any sort of say in the matter, he (Gus) would have wanted it the way it happened.

It's a small solace, but I'll take what I can get.

So, they will cremate Gus' remains. Instead of getting them back in a box with a plaque, which I don't think is going to help my grieving process any, I've elected to have his ashes scattered at the pet cemetery. They have something new, which I did decide to do -- they are going to cast his little paw prints for me. I think that will be a better memorial for me than his actual ashes.

I'm going to wimp out for now and give a blanket 'thank you' to everyone who's offered condolences. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but virtual *hugs* do help. I'm so grateful that I have such wonderful friends to help me struggle through this. I'm so sorry that it's undoubtedly bringing up painful memories for some of you, too. Thank you, for being so generous, as to offer *hugs* and help, despite what it puts you through. Truly, I am blessed with wonderful friends.

Date: 2007-06-18 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bladedfan.livejournal.com
I am so, so sorry. I wish there was something more I could say, but I'm just very sorry for your loss. I understand what you're going through, and sadly only time can help. I wish I could be there to give you a big, long hug though. *Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs*

I have a new cell phone now. I'll email you the number, in case you want to call and talk, about anything. The only time it's really off is when I'm at work, so you can otherwise reach me anytime.

Again, I'm so, so sorry. *more hugs*

Date: 2007-06-19 05:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dhampir-ronin.livejournal.com
*HUGS* I am so sorry! And like Patti I know exactly how you feel. I was. . . well, it was a good thing I had dark sunglasses for when I went out in public.

You can't second guess yourself over whether Gus would have been better off at the vet's. However difficult it was, at least you were there to comfort him. *MORE HUGS*
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