Cradleheart (working title)

[kmktr]

Cradleheart - A Gentle Haunting

It has taken so long to find my way. Truth be told, I didn't set out right away. There was so much to see, and to do, greeting my friends of old, meeting and making new ones, learning, growing. After all I've been through, didn't I deserve some time of retreat and bliss?

But, there is only so much bliss I can find without you. And it's not enough. Without you, it can never be enough.

I dash down the corridor that, without my even being aware of it, has been etched deeply into my mind -- the one that used to connect our soul rooms together. The loss of that corridor and the connection between us was the only regret I held as I crossed over into the land of the blessed dead.

I pull up short, just outside your door. I understand completely why that door, which had so rarely been closed between us, is closed now. It hurts me to see the jagged void across from the door to your soul room. Once, that space had been reserved for me. Once upon a time, you made that room, in your life, in your soul, for me. That it is a void now, that you carry that emptiness within you still, pains me. I can only imagine how that void affects you. Oh, I understand why your door is closed, aibou.

I raise my hand to knock -- I pause and consider again. I've changed, from what I was; passing through the gate of the Pharaoh's Memory ended the supernatural attenuation of my life, which was the necessary effect of my duty to seal the Millennium Items. You were wise, sensing it before I did, that no matter how much I longed to stay here, with you, my place was on the other side of that gate. Our ritual duel brought me finally to the place my heart has longed to go for thousands of years, the Field of Reeds, the Land of the Blessed Dead of my people -- to see my friends again, to see my father again, to see my people again, and to finally understand, and become myself, again.

There are wonders there, in that blessed existence. I've seen beauty no mortal being can fathom; the voices of the blessed make skilled harpsong sound like a discordant, clanging, gong; I've touched glories unimaginable. My father, whom I love so much; Mahaad, Mana, Seth, Shada, Isis, and all the rest, all of them there -- their constant companionship a blessing made all the sweeter for knowing that it will never end...

But...

I still long...

I feel...

I feel as though, perhaps, I left the most important part of my heart here, with you. Though I am blessed, justified, completed -- a longing exists within me, still. Even paradise can't satisfy this longing. I suspect only you can satisfy it. Does that make sense? Once soul-bonded, can even the gods sever our fates from each other? Perhaps I can only be truly complete, when you are complete as well. Perhaps paradise will satisfy me once you share it with me. But, my aibou, I do not want you to seek me in paradise just yet!

It would not be right to divert your life-course for my selfish whim. With all of eternity to look forward to, I can afford to wait for you. Still, there's nothing to say part of me can't remain, while your life unwinds in its natural course -- watching, waiting, helping -- from a place here in the corners of your mind.

Though I can not live again, the gate between the worlds of life and death is not as strict as some suppose. It's not a one-way trip with no looking back. Of course, you might not recognize me now. Not all of me is able to cross the astral divide to return to you. Rather, you would not recognize me as myself. It is a piece of humor, I am afraid. Truth be told, I'm not certain my dignity could stand it if you beheld me now.

I can, wait, no, I long to be your "Yami" once more. Would it not be wonderful for you to find after your appointed span of days that you were never "abandoned" or "alone" -- that I was always here, in the shadows of your mind; watching, helping, loving; just waiting -- waiting for the time for you to come... The time for you to come home. To me.

So, I drop my hand, that I had raised to knock on your door and announce my presence to you. I will remain quiet within the corners of your mind, and keep watch over the shadows of your heart. Every human heart has them, even yours, but I will do what I can to make certain those shadows never overwhelm your natural instinct toward creating light.

Aibou, Yugi, I will haunt you gently from the shadows. Whenever they grow too large, I will rise up, unseen, and master them for you with my power.

I will always cradle your heart within my own -- even past the end of your days.

Th-the door! It slams open and you -- Yugi, you are here! And I -- I am right here before you! I didn't have a chance to hide! What am I going to do?

-----------

It's been a year and a day since you left, Yami. I know now that you were never "my other self"; you were your own self the whole time, even before you got your memories back but still... We had been closer than friends, or brothers. Your soul lived within me, alongside my soul... That's a bond I'll never find the equal to in this lifetime. I could not help but look out, past the corridor that used to connect our minds, several times a day, at first.

But the only thing that greeted me was the emptiness, reminding me again that you are gone.

The only thing that keeps me from falling into sadness is the last image of you I was permitted to have. You were surrounded by your friends from your ancient past, the friends you remembered once more, and the place you were in was full of light. After the shadows of the lonely tomb of your soul-room, I am relieved to think that you are now in a place full of friends and light. I just wish...

I miss you, "other me", even though you never were truly part of me it felt like you were. I feel incomplete now. I hope I can be one of those friends in your place of light, someday (a far away day, I hope!) while still being able to be with my friends. I don't think paradise will be a good place for me if I can't have both you and my friends. I just have to trust that somehow it will all work out right.

You've got me thinking about life, and death, but not in a morbid sort of way. I've got to live my life to the fullest so that I'll have no regrets when it's time for me to die. I don't want to linger so long that I forget who I was when I was alive, or forget any of the people who are important to me, as you did, Yami. Of course, I'm just a normal person, not a pharaoh, not someone who has to sacrifice himself to save the world, as you did, so it's not likely that I'll stick around after I die. Still, being bold now and living with no regrets, surely that's a good thing? It's a lesson you taught me. It's a lesson I treasure in my heart.

I wonder why I'm thinking of you so much, all of a sudden. It almost feels as if you are here, just on the other side of this door, close enough to touch, once more.

Am I strong enough to open it? Can I bear to look at that emptiness again and remember how it felt to watch you go -- no, to force you to go, by winning that final duel against you? In truth, I wanted you to stay. I didn't mind sharing my life with you. But, it seemed as if you couldn't move on unless I beat you. I'd never want to hold you back from happiness, from -- paradise, even if it means I must now have a lonely soul and a forever empty space within my heart.

But, suddenly, you feel close enough -- to touch -- once more -- just on the other side -- of this door ...

------------

Sometimes the gods are kind. My pharaoh had a hard life, despite his lofty birth. No, perhaps his hard life was because of his birth. He was bound by duty from the moment he became a man, destined to sacrifice his life, day by day, for the good of his people, as any pharaoh does, serving as their link to the gods. His life was further bound by his duty to save his people from the evil of Zorc and the Shadow Powers unwittingly created in his father's reign.

And so, he died young. He had led a justified life, but the manner of fate placed on him was such that he was not permitted to move on to his reward. How do I know? My own fate was bound to his. I, too, was not permitted into the Fields of the Blessed, for I had bound my soul to him in duty as a Shadow creature for him to use whenever he wished.

When his soul passed into the Millennium Puzzle to sleep for thousands of years, my soul too, slept in the stone tablet housing it. It was not until my pharaoh woke that I, too, became aware again.

The world had changed. Even I had changed. My soul now bound to the card in the keeping of the Chosen One who solved the Puzzle, freeing my pharaoh's soul from its long confinement. How could I not hold the Chosen One in a special place in my heart? Not only did he willingly help my pharaoh when he was weak and confused, having forgotten his very self, but he also held my soul, though he knew it only as a card, in high regard as well.

So, I waited, patiently, helping as best I could within the confines of the restrictions placed on me, until my pharaoh recalled his own past and his own self once more. With Yugi's help, my pharaoh was able to finally complete his destiny and move on. And that freed me as well, to move on with him.

Still, even though a blessed, justified existence is our reward, I can sense the unrest in my pharaoh's soul. I have been, and ever will be, his servant. Surprisingly, through the card that bears my image, I am still Yugi's servant, as well.

Sensing the longing of these two fractured souls for each other, even knowing that the tide of time will bring them together once more, I could not help but appeal to the gods on their behalf.

And they have answered me.


Still working on it. Yugi and Mahaad's bits so far are rough, first written stuff without even a first read through yet (darn it when I get inspired to write before work!) Anyway, with a bit of luck I'll have a chance to reread and edit at work, and finally get to the fun "reveal" in this story which should sit in a humorous juxtaposition to the triple angst thread going on right now.

^_^